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December 18, 2006
Relationship Advice: Go Deep
Have you ever paid particular attention, usually retrospectively, to the usually at first hidden fact that the inside of a person is not in sync with how they look on the outside? Sounds pretty basic, but it isn't.
I'm reminded of the movie 'Shallow Hal' wherein the main character is put under a mental trance by the real Anthony Robbins (the internationally famous motivational guru). This character, Hal, is led to only see the inner 'person' and to have this inner person manifest itself as an external image of the person, to him and no one else.
Hal ends up seeing people who are not particularly physically attractive become incredibly attractive and the opposite occurs as well.
That is, people quite physically attractive by societal standards, i.e. fit, slim, big breasted and large muscled are incredibly ugly in his view of them. It's only when he gets woken up out of the trance that he sees people as they truly physically are.
Anyway, this is actually how life is. Seriously.
Now, none of us are able to experience the wonderful trance that Hal lived with. We only see the physical outside if we don't get to know the person better or see him/her in action. But it's this unfortunate limited waking vision of people that usually gets one in trouble.
Have you ever found yourself in relationship with another person or people, whether that be intimate relating or just Platonic and friendly-like relating and before you knew it, you were in deep in that relationship...and it was only then that you began to see the real interior of that person...and then you found yourself wondering just how it is that you got yourself into this type of mess? Again.
What kind of mess? Easy...
"That person I met, and or had sex with, is no longer that nice of a person in my eyes."
"That person, that friend of mine, just hurt me with that action."
"That spouse of mine just betrayed me. And the trust I had in him/her."
How could this happen?
Easy I say.
We're not allowing ourselves to see that everyone does a magnificent job of keeping the real person inside of us at bay for the longest time that we are able to muster.
Call it what you want...
Pretense.
Manipulation.
Diversion.
Programming.
The actions and reasons all end up with the same end relationship result. That is, we don't get to see - at least initially - who the person really is. We only see, for the most part, what our eyes and limited mental and emotional perceptions allowed us to individually see.
"What can she see in him?"
"She's not my type, that's for sure."
"Can you believe they're together?"
"They seem so different..."
The list of actual observations by those not caught up in the limited view of the people inside the relationship goes on and on.
But for those IN the relationship they're, for all intents and purposes, blind to reality. At least everything below skin-deep.
People, you and I, can be very tricky when it comes to hiding who we really are. We're so adept at hiding behind that extremely thick veil we've built up over the decades we've existed.
Why? Well, the reasons for doing this are numerous. But I believe the main one is so that we get our own narcissistic needs met, at almost whatever cost outside of us.
We want what we want and nothing is going to get in our way. So we begin relationships that will help us get what we want.
And any relationship that gets in the way of satisfying this desire, be it sexual, romantic, physical, emotional, or otherwise -- watch out!
So, the shoulder of burden is on each of us when things don't turn out the way we originally expected. Even if that original expectation was decades ago.
The failure of marriages comes to mind. With my own notch on my Life belt when it comes to this I have my own biased understanding as to why things fail in this regard.
Most of it is in keeping with what I'm writing about here.
That is, two people meet and enter into a relationship with differing and narcissistic expectations of the other. And over time, when these expectations are not met because the other person was truly not able to meet those original needs, once the pretense was removed, the relationship is sent asunder with this realization.
I think that when two people end up in a supposed lifelong commit via a relationship or marriage that over time both people either 'grow' together, or they grow apart.
It's an inevitable fact of nature. One person, for example, finds out over time and aging that their spirit needs nurturing and healing. And the other person is only concerned about their aging and what's happening to their body and meeting the body's physical needs, and this person goes on aging with absolutely no concern to growing the spirit and nourishing it so that Life can become bigger for both.
Will two people in a type of relationship described above be able to flourish together? No.
Will two people who at one time saw so much potential together continue to share that common vision as Life progresses them both to their ends? No, of course not.
In relationships, one can address what is underneath the pretense, or one can choose not to. Simple.
But regardless of how one chooses to deal with these types of instances with others in their lives is how one is defining what is important to them. It is also a reflection of how 'deep' that person is inside.
I'll explain, hopefully more succinctly.
When a person is in relation with another person and that person mostly or solely focuses on simple outer attributes of the other person, they are setting themselves up for failure in that relationship without even knowing it.
Those of us old enough to know better have most likely gotten into intimate relationship with someone else we were initially very visually attracted to. For our own reasons, we found that other person attractive, usually only physically at first. And for many that is where the attraction is focussed and usually stays at the beginning of a relationship.
But we have all most likely experienced that this type of relationship is doomed from this unfortunate start, because of the way in which it was started.
That is, the exterior qualities of the other person mostly were all that was focussed on, and once that 'glue' was no longer able to sustain the relationship, it was most likely found that there was not much beneath that quality exterior of the other that was sustainably attractive.
And so the relationship broke up. You both went your separate ways.
I agree, physical attractiveness is important. It's important to me still. But I'm realizing that there is so much more that really makes a relationship quality and able to withstand the trials of Life over time.
And all that is what is beneath the surface of the people in that relationship.
A relationship is only as solid as when it is able to traverse into and through the troublesome times of life for those two people together.
And good looks alone aren't going to be able to allow that to happen.
A relationship needs so much more to make it work and last. And I've realized that when one focuses on the exterior only they are setting themselves up for failure. Yet, focussing primarily on the interior from the start allows one a good chance of having in that relationship the common and shared qualities that will allow that relationship to flourish in the 'good' times and weather the 'bad' times, assuming that both people shared common inner qualities to start with.
There is so much more to write about on this subject, so do look for more from me.
Relationships. Who really has them figured out? I don't. But I know more so every day what doesn't work.
And doesn't that bring one closer to knowing what does?
I like to think so.
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 6:27 PM | Comments (0)
December 1, 2006
A Change of Heart
Life is such a brutal foe at times. It's amazing that any of us make it through the times that are thrown at us throughout our forced journey through existence. But this is not to say that everyone handles these battles in the same way, nor even that everyone comes through the battle unscathed. Or alive.
Life is not always fun. I surmise it's not supposed to be. That is, like good armor made of quality forged steel: the hotter the fire, the better the forging process and the stronger the steel. And the cooler the fire, the weaker the forging of the steel, the easier it is for the steel to fail when the fire of Life gets hot next time. And we all know there is always a 'next time', eh?
All of us want to just go through the good times in life. All of us want the easy road. All of us want life to be kind to us as we slowly tip toe our way to the grave. However, life is not always this compliant or in step with our needs or demands...at least for the vast majority of the population.
For some of us, our steely exterior becomes stronger and protects us and allows us to squarely face what is thrown at us during the battle. But for others, the vast majority of people, the steel - although strong - still fails when the going gets tough. And so these people think that they just need to get stronger by somehow incorporating the last experiences they faced into their person-hood and that is all they need to do for 'next time'.
"I need to make the steel STRONGER!"
"More heat! I need more HEAT!"
However, I've found out that this is simply not the way to go through life.
Life is not meant to be hard.
Neither are we.
Life is only hard because we became hardened ourselves.
Rephrasing, we didn't let the scars of life heal properly and instead just became covered with a tough, scar-encased exterior.
Again, Life doesn't have to be this way.
There are two ways to meet life. One, with the understanding that what happens to us happens to us for a reason and that this Life lesson contains something inside of it that we can learn from for next time.
Or, we can respond to life with the attitude that all we can do is steel ourselves for the next blow and that that is simply our lot in life. All the while we become more hardened on the outside yet more hotter and bloody on the inside from all the 'unfairness' of life.
The marriages failed.
Aging is catching up no matter what kind of surgery is done.
Death of close relationships. And people. Family members.
The sex, the drugs, and the alcohol don't 'work' anymore.
Work doesn't satisfy anymore. No matter what's done.
We all know many people who just let life flow off of them like the proverbial water off of a ducks back. And we all know people who just seem to become more angry inside as the years and decades of life cut more notches on their belt of Life.
If we're smart, the latter are the types of people that we avoid. They're not good for our soul. Or our Heart of Hearts.
You see, these angry people have made a choice. They chose to be the way they are in Life. Yes, at some time during their journey through life they stood facing the ubiquitous fork in the road and they chose the path that led to the hardening of their exterior.
...And the hardening of their heart.
...And their soul.
But, again, one doesn't have to live Life this way. One can decide that life is meant to be full of many different and differing experiences for us to learn from. All of these experiences brought into our days so that we can grow as a human being from them.
All of these varying experiences presented to us so that we can find out more about ourselves and at the same time work so hard to shed the deeply ingrained response to steel ourselves against that next imagined impending blow of life.
We can be the person who decides that what happens to us in life doesn't require us to now automatically harden up our life armor. Rather, it requires us to drop all accumulated defenses. Yes, all of them.
Why?
Because the enemy is imagined. The enemy is alive only in the mind. No one else's. Our mind. Your mind.
There is no life enemy to protect one's-self against. Outside of potential physical harming to the body, there is no actual enemy to fight.
Why?
Because once a person realizes, right in the middle of one's preparation to fight the endless line of life foes in one's life, that THIS image that one is having is what is causing the hardening of the heart - the battle is won.
THIS image is what is causing the heart to become jaded with life.
THIS imagined enemy is what causes the soul to become encased in anger and the blame of the decades past.
And yet, this is not a way to live life. This is not a way to go through one's existence.
We all started out with a perfectly clean slate as children. Way back when, before the mind came into being through exposure to society and all its influences, we only reacted out of normal physical and emotional reactions. The body got hurt, the body cried. The heart got hurt, the heart cried. Simple.
But as the mind came into play the whole game changed course. Now one began to think and believe that the world was out to get them and it was a truly painful place to reside and so one had to become 'stronger'. But this was the beginning of the first wrong choice made at that first fork in the road of Life.
Life is meant to be a learning experience for all. It is not meant to be one of unfilled happiness. Or continuing angst during one's days.
And it also is not meant to be a time when one just grows more angry and bitter and rage-filled at all life has brought to one during their days past. And days to come.
Understand that Life can be different for a person. But it is up to that person to see this first.
It is up to the person to see that there is a different way to go through one's days.
It is up to that person to just simply see this.
And then to say to themselves when they become aware of this fact "Yes, there is another way to be."
That's all. That's it. Period.
There is no more to know right now.
And if YOU want to change who you are and how you react to the world as it organizes another battle in your ongoing Life war, first just see that who you are is not who you have to continue to be. Especially during the hard times.
Step out of the war. Drop the armor you 'think' you need. Realize there is no war to steel up against in life. The war is only in your mind.
Don't continue or become like one of those dark, angry and evil people you know and or have in your life.
People can change.
But, the big question is: How badly do YOU want it?
And how far are you willing to go to get it?
The battle's coming, again. Ready to drop your Life armor?
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 6:37 AM | Comments (0)