July 21, 2008
Sucker Punched By A Sucker
Have you ever noticed how Life sometimes comes overall from a place of showing one that it is ongoing, never stopping, and seamless in its approach to showing one what it wants one to know?
If only one has ears to hear, it doesn't stop in what it wants one to know. It continues forward and continues to show one, sometimes in the smallest instance just what one is supposed to learn about oneself and then hopefully incorporate into their understanding of themself and then share that with the world.
For me, it's most interesting that this showing comes about in the smallest of experiences, especially for me one that was particularly painful to watch, and yet not watch.
I'll explain.
I recently went to the postal store where I receive my mail and there were a couple of young people at the counter getting their mail needs met. There was also this woman, a middle-aged mother in front of me who had a young son with her. He was about five-years old and when I entered the store I came upon an interaction between the two of them that was in midstream.
The boy wanted a candy sucker from the candy dish on the countertop, and the mother wanted to do her mailing task at the counter. The boy wasn't agreeing with this and simply wanted to be given a sucker and so he was doing everything he could to get her attention to let her know just how badly he wanted the sucker. This was about the extent of what was clear to me.
What happened next was what made me think about my role in life with my younger sons and also filled me with feelings related to them as young souls and my relationship with them as an older soul who supposedly 'knows better'.
Again...
You see, the mother just wanted to do her mailing task and then get out of the store. But, the boy was being a boy. He was being a child and rightfully so. He wanted that brightly colored, plastic-wrapped sucker on the countertop to put in his mouth and, like the proverbial dog with a bone, he wasn't going to let go of that goal that he had in his mind. I could tell by the way he was acting that for him, the obtainment of the sucker was just about his only reason for existence at that moment. That's how determined he was.
But, he wouldn't quit nagging his mother by crying, repeatedly asking for the candy sucker, and periodically wailing from his sitting position on the carpet floor, so what his mother eventually did was she told him to get up off the carpet and stand up, and then go stand against the wall of the store and be quiet over there.
The boy did this but he was still loudly crying and asking for the sucker, and now, for her attention. This wasn't good for the mother, and I could tell that the young couple at the counter being served by the mail store staff were also not too impressed with what was transpiring nearby.
I, for one, didn't care. I'm still in those days at times where my own sons have the tendency to behave like that boy, and I have to deal with the situation like that mother did.
Anyway, after about a minute of listening to the boy continuing to cry and maintain his position of emotional upset from the corner of the store he was now standing in, the boy's mother left the line we were in and walked over to him. I was sure more severe discipline was to follow at this point, as is usual for most parents, and so I found myself closely listening not only to what the mother was saying to the boy, but more importantly, how she was saying it.
But she showed herself to be a model of parenthood that I resonated with. She didn't hit the boy, she didn't yell at the boy, she didn't lose her temper with the boy, and she didn't shame the child. She didn't have an undercurrent of anger in her words as she was talking with the boy and doing her best to discipline him via the timeout he was now in.
She handled the situation very well and because the boy still didn't quiet down, she had to grab him by the hand and lead him out of the store. Overall, I thought she handled herself very appropriately, considering the circumstances, and did a wonderful effort of doing what she could to take control of the situation.
The only thing that I did find myself questioning as I was watching this event is that I thought she was too concerned about what all of us in line were thinking, due to the fact that she wanted him to be quiet, I'm assuming so that the rest of us could go about conducting our business with our mail. Personally, I wouldn't have been so concerned now, after all these years of parenting, of what others think during a time like that. My focus would've been the child's needs and how to best handle that.
I would've simply and immediately taken the boy out of the situation, and not try to get him to be quiet. That is, I'd have taken him outside much sooner than she had, so as to let him have his little screaming fit outside in the wide open space of the parking lot. Forget the mail, it can wait!
Anyway, I digressed so I'll step down off the soapbox I was preaching from.
Continuing...
The insight behind this experience which I was brought into was the insight of experiencing regret. That is, I felt that the strings inside of me were being pulled into a position of regret.
You see, that boy only wanted what he wanted. Yet, the mother also had her own agenda which she needed to take care of, on a practical sense.
Yet, the boy was denied what he wanted, which simply was a candy sucker.
How many times have we been denied in our lives what we want? How many times have we thrown a temper tantrum this past week - at least inside, so that others don't notice and we still are viewed as mature and capable adults?
I ask you, when was the last time you threw a tantrum when you didn't get what you wanted?
And when was the first time you threw one that you remember?
Were you hit to get you to shut up?
Were you criticized and blasted emotionally for having a normal human desire squelched out of existence?
Were you ignored until you knew that you were absolutely not going to get what it was that you wanted?
Or were you threatened, perhaps within an inch of your life to shut up and never behave like that again in public with all those other 'nice people' watching you be what - a child - for heaven's sake.
How many times have you wanted something as a fully-grown human, and now that the toys can't be thrown, and the feet can't be stomped and the pants can't be wetted, or the breath held till the face turns blue, how many times have you just wanted to do that so as to get what it was that you wanted?
And yet, even today, how many times has it happened that nobody really cared about what it was that you wanted, or were even aware that you were screaming inside for that sweetness Life was desiring to deliver to you?
You see, where I felt regret over this experience, was not so much just for the young boy, it was also for myself and for ALL of us, as children, who didn't get what we wanted those so, so, so many times we simply wanted to taste the sweetness of Life.
It really isn't fair that Life doesn't give us what we want when we want it and in the way we want it. Is it?
But, again, how many of us were wronged and made to believe that we were wrong for wanting what we justifiably wanted and simply needed as a child?
How many of us were hit into submission?
Or shamed? Or belittled? Or criticized? Or ignored? It's not pretty how the stopping asking for things covertly and overtly happens, is it? But, again, it's no surprise.
I regretted that I couldn't always get what I wanted, the many simple things that I wanted when I was a young boy. I can't even remember almost all of them, yet they're still there inside. Some in memories now that I don't want to relive again in some instances. That's just part of the human experience.
We have all had to live through not getting the special Life sucker that we wanted. Even if it only cost a penny to purchase, and now is so cheap to make that it's given away for free in stores.
It doesn't really matter what that was all about, yet, it was all about the need, the wanting, the fulfilling of our hearts desire which at that age does take the shape of a candy sucker.
At that age that sucker is the world to us because we're all present every moment. Our world is right now and the sucker is right now so what's wrong with wanting it right now?
To us, and our young minds, nothing was wrong with wanting what we wanted. Yet, Life had a different agenda for us. It wanted us to know that there are others in our existence to consider. Be they family or strangers in line in the store.
It wanted us to know that we are not the sole focus of our caregivers at times like that. It wanted us to learn the lesson that Life doesn't always give us what we think we want, when we want it.
It wanted us to know that there are some things in life that are unreachable and perhaps always may be. But that doesn't have any permanent impact on us, intrinsically.
Life wants us to know that our worth, who we are, who we are being in the present is not predicated upon that candy sucker.
But, when we were five-years old we didn't know about that stuff. And we didn't care about that stuff.
But now that we're 45-years ripe, or 62 years of age, we should know better.
Let me finish by asking you: Do you know better now?
And, if so, what are you going to do, even deep inside, the next time Life thwarts what you want and you think you have full right to right now?
Think about it, before you become the next sucker and let what Life throws at you become a sucker punch.
We all know it's just a matter of time till that next experience arrives right in front of our face to learn from. Or not.
Interesting food for thought, eh? Get the sucker and be a sucker, or forget the sucker and BE with Life.
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
Posted by Andre Best at 3:37 PM | Comments (0)
May 11, 2008
A Mother's Day Thank You
Well, today is Mother's Day. That ubiquitous day, at least for North America, where we all give thanks to the woman who gave birth to us. At least that's what we're supposed to be doing. We're also supposed to be giving loving praise for our Mother, whether she is dead or alive, for the undeniable fact that she is half-responsible for who we are. Without her, we wouldn't exist.
At least that's what the greeting card companies want us to be thinking when we fork over our green to send and mail those trite words of thanks to the one parent we owe so much to.
Of course, some of us never had a mother, so to speak. We were given up at birth, or our mother died at birth, or our mother left at birth, or shortly thereafter.
Or, conversely, our mother chose to stick around and be there for all the scraped knees, fights, and snotty nose-wiping's that we needed kissing and tending to.
How can one summarize on a card what we owe the female who gave us life? The female who carried us inside of her for nine months, or more, and then continued to be there as much as she was available for us when she was able to, or not working, or not out doing stuff to escape the sometimes madness of parenting. Or whatever.
We're supposed to think that a few words on a card, or even in this article for that matter, are supposed to show that woman that we are forever indebted to her sacrifice that led to our being borne unto this plane of existence.
Of course, there was the male part of the equation, in some cases even though this is not known, which does have a matter of thankfulness to it too, but that's for the next article on this blog of mine.
You see, I've thought about the many ways that one is supposed to give thanks to the (now) woman who gave us life. We're supposed to buy her a card, or give her flowers, or give her a box of chocolates, or buy her a special gift even for being the special mother of our children together.
All of that is nice and fine and does have inherent meaning to it. But, what I'm realizing is that it's what is done with the days where the special recognition isn't asked for, or expected, or given, that really have and continue to define the relationship with our Mother.
And that's not just the day to day days throughout the year as we both live it now. No.
That also involves the days that started the moment that that woman knew that she carried a valued life inside of her and now she was living for two souls. That's when the defining moment of the relationship and the recognition of motherhood begins, in my opinion.
I can think of many ways to tell my living mother how special she is to me. I can think of a number of actions that I could undertake, but they don't have the meaning that having a good conversation with my mother brings to both of us. And being able to still tell her that I love her and to hear her respond in the same manner. And to hear it in her voice. And to feel it across the two countries that separate us.
I could think of something to give my mother, an object that she can't even take with her when she leaves this physical dimension. And to me, that is not something that matters or is sustaining or recognizing the specialness of the mother-child relationship we all have with our parents. No matter where they are. Dead or alive.
There is something that occurs between a parent and the child that can't be spoken. There is a relating that occurs between the two that is the mutual exchanging of life from that place in the heart that only those two types of relations share.
Friends don't share it.
Siblings don't share it.
Spouses don't either.
It's unique to the parent and the child. That blood bond.
And so, with that in mind, how is one to say 'thanks' to their mother on Mother's Day?
How is one to show that the woman who bore them unto this earth is that special person that they appreciate and are forever indebted to for their existence?
It's not a return of a small favor, is it?
Now, I want my mother to know that she is a special woman in my heart. And that through these words I am doing my best to express what is in that part of my heart that was forever forsaken to her when I was born.
I know that my mother did the very best that she could when I was growing up. Now, I can look back upon those times, some of them tumultuous, and stand and judge and criticize what decisions she made and actions she took as my mother, and, at times against me. But I can't and chose many years ago to no longer stand in judgment of the actions that my mother took.
We all know that sometimes being in relationship with our mother is not the best time of our upbringing. It can be outright painful for some. But, nevertheless, it's something that defines who we are and contributes to who we are now. For better or for worse.
How can one summarize what one's mother did, the sacrifices that she made and the life that she gave up to allow us to grow and to flourish into adulthood to hopefully return the favor by enabling her to become a grandmother, and great-grandmother?
How does one say thank you to the person who gave so much, starting nine months before we came out of her?
How do we say we forever remember that the days she has spent teaching us right from wrong, and cooking for us, and bringing us medicine when we were sick, and feeding us from her own breast at times, and putting our needs in front of hers when it was most difficult for her?
How do we possibly give thanks and insert all of that into the Mother's Day that the greeting cards want us to believe can be summed up on one side of a cardboard panel?
I don't think it can.
But I can do, as a son to my mother, what I can and what I believe more than summarizes what it is that I feel and think of my mother when I know she is still with me on Mother's Day. And, also gives recognition to the simple fact that I am here because she is.
I can say four words. Twice.
"Happy Mother's Day Ma."
"I love you dearly."
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 7:37 PM | Comments (0)
August 19, 2006
A Tribute to My Parents
No matter how one may try to configure it, we all have parents. Two of them. One male. One female. Call them Ma and Dad, Mom and Dad, Ma and Pa, Mum and Dad, Mama and Daddy or whatever local term you may use in your country. But no matter how the monikers are sliced and diced - they're still our parents.
Fortunately for me, mine are both still alive and kicking. And I'm glad for that since so many of us have already lost one or both of our parents especially by the time one reaches the age of this writer, which is now of the middle-age baby boomer realm.
I dreamt about my parents recently, I don't know why but I can surmise a potential reason.
I'm going through a life situation that is at times stressing and trying, but that's life. And because of this I've been in more constant contact with my parents for the last couple of years now. And like clockwork, when I call home to Canada they're both inevitably on the phone conversing with me about 'how I'm doing.'
I'm thinking that perhaps my mind was telling me that my parents and my relationship with both of them is not something to be overlooked or taken for granted. Especially since they're now both septuagenarian's and time can be of the essence when one is of that age. No dilly-dallying, just get to the point. Basically.
I realized that I've had an over four-decade long relationship with my two parents and we've all matured and grown up throughout that time. Our needs, wants, desires, expectations, demands, and lives have all changed significantly throughout that time. Especially considering my aging into my own parenthood and them entering their own grandparent hood more than two decades ago through the birth of two of my siblings' children.
My relationship with my parents started out based fully on need. I needed them to survive. I was young and they had the means to provide for my needs as I grew up.
But what I learned as I became more self-aware during my teenage and young adult years was that I was not too particularly fond of the 'needs' that they had made and kept trying to make a part of my existence. This is what all parents do, myself included, however the issues start to arise when the water gets muddied up as to what is a need and what is a demand.
Of course, with me being the typical burgeoning adult I knew what was best for me and what my world was becoming. After all, I was a 'teenager'. And doesn't the world revolve around teenagers the world over?
Facetiousness aside, I broke loose from my parents physical grip as fast as I could when I was financially able to. I went to university. In another city.
This began my journey to cut the umbilical cord: but as I've learned it is never truly severed. Except physically at birth.
Parents are the role models we have when we grow up. Birth parents, foster parents, step parents, grand parents, fantasy parents. All adult figures that are involved in our lives throughout our development over time are the persons that we model our-selves after whether we're aware of it or not.
In some cases we make good choices who we model after and in some cases we make not so good choices, or in fact aren't even given a choice whatsoever.
There was a time that I thought that my parents were a pretty bad choice that I was presented with. They had their vices, they had their idiosyncrasies and their quirks, and their lifestyle choices which of course were completely unacceptable to my young developing mind that somehow thought that it just knew better.
But throughout the years of growth and my maturity and personal entry into adulthood alongside my parents I too learned that a parent is a human being. And that is what makes this perfect relationship so imperfect.
There was a time that I was very angry at my parents for the choices and decisions they made and forced upon me through my existence into their lives and having to co-habit the same household with the rest of my family. After all, these weren't choices that I had any say in since I was a child: so I did have my compelling reasons for being angry at them. Or so I thought.
But what turned everything around for me was my realization that my parents may have been the imperfect set of parents to me but that is no reason to hold the relationship they tried to carve out with me against them.
They, like all of us, myself as a parent included, do our best when we become parents. When we, through choice usually, become responsible for one or several other human beings we understand that this is what we want at the time - to be a parent. But we don't understand that we are now becoming the upline to that human. That soul-mirror for that human. We are what carves that soul or destroys it through our complete imperfection.
There was a time that I thought I had every reason on this green Earth to hold this relationship my parents brought me into through my entrance on this planet against them. But my realization that they were doing the best they had with what they themselves had been given was what changed it all for me.
My parents did what they did because they honestly believed it was best for me and my future. I know this unwaveringly and unequivocably because I'm doing the same with my young children. Are many of my current parenting decisions anywhere near close to what my parents chose with me in certain areas? Not by a long shot.
Are many of my current parenting choices in sync with certain values my parents instilled in me through their relationship to-date with me? You bet.
You see, parents love their children no matter what the parent is forced to do in the best interest of the child. I know this for a fact now that I have relationships of this type. There is a special bond that is forged when a human being comes into relationship with a child. A bond that is not even taken away by death as this bond lives on in the child, no matter how old that 'child' becomes.
So what am I espousing here? I love my parents. I know my parents love me. We don't agree on everything because we are human, because we are separate beings on this plane. But we still have this relationship that has been forged and strengthened over time into a solid loving, caring, and thought-filled tie that not even time will break.
I love you Ma. I love you Dad. I can say that I appreciate everything that you have brought into my life. Yes, everything. The so-called good. And the so-called bad.
Why? Because my life is the way it is because of the way it was. For a time this included when I was under your care but nevertheless this contributed to resulting in me becoming who I am now. And even though I may have struggles with my personal journey along this path I still understand that the two of you were the beginning of that journey and you started carving it out before I was even born into your arms.
I am a parent now too. And I understand that I'm am going to be the parent to whom someday my boys will be holding my proverbial 'feet to the fire', regardless of the decisions I make or don't make about their well-being. I may have the best intentions for them at all times and only want the best outcomes for all of them as they grow into manhood but that still won't negate the fact that they won't be holding those choices and decisions against me someday when they realize that my choices at times conflicted with their own desires as humans.
I know that someday they may hold me to the same extreme level of scrutiny that I once held the two of you. I know that they may not at the time be able to understand why it was that I made the choices and decisions that I did, especially when these choices and decisions involved them.
But I can only hope that I am able to stick around here long enough, like the two of you have so that they are able to grow into adulthood enough and to see that I too was an imperfect human being but that this doesn't take away that I only wanted what was best for them and that I did the best I could with what I was given. Hopefully they too will understand that this is not an excuse, just the truth.
I matured enough to see it a number of years ago about the two of you. And you're here now reading this writing of mine hopefully understanding that I truly understand why the three of us relate as we do.
I just hope that one day, as a parent, I am able to be given the same understanding from my boys that I was able to give to you for a fair number of years now.
Thank you for 'sticking around' as long as you have. Thank you for staying together as a parental unit as long as you have. Thank you for being my parents and for the existence you brought me into.
Thank you for making me into the person that I have become, and even at times try to forget about. Why? Because it's all good regardless.
Again... you contributed to making me the man I am now.
Thank you Ma. Thank you Dad.
I love you both.
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
* P.S. HAPPY 71ST BIRTHDAY MA! *
Posted by Andre Best at 2:52 AM | Comments (4)