May 11, 2008
A Mother's Day Thank You
Well, today is Mother's Day. That ubiquitous day, at least for North America, where we all give thanks to the woman who gave birth to us. At least that's what we're supposed to be doing. We're also supposed to be giving loving praise for our Mother, whether she is dead or alive, for the undeniable fact that she is half-responsible for who we are. Without her, we wouldn't exist.
At least that's what the greeting card companies want us to be thinking when we fork over our green to send and mail those trite words of thanks to the one parent we owe so much to.
Of course, some of us never had a mother, so to speak. We were given up at birth, or our mother died at birth, or our mother left at birth, or shortly thereafter.
Or, conversely, our mother chose to stick around and be there for all the scraped knees, fights, and snotty nose-wiping's that we needed kissing and tending to.
How can one summarize on a card what we owe the female who gave us life? The female who carried us inside of her for nine months, or more, and then continued to be there as much as she was available for us when she was able to, or not working, or not out doing stuff to escape the sometimes madness of parenting. Or whatever.
We're supposed to think that a few words on a card, or even in this article for that matter, are supposed to show that woman that we are forever indebted to her sacrifice that led to our being borne unto this plane of existence.
Of course, there was the male part of the equation, in some cases even though this is not known, which does have a matter of thankfulness to it too, but that's for the next article on this blog of mine.
You see, I've thought about the many ways that one is supposed to give thanks to the (now) woman who gave us life. We're supposed to buy her a card, or give her flowers, or give her a box of chocolates, or buy her a special gift even for being the special mother of our children together.
All of that is nice and fine and does have inherent meaning to it. But, what I'm realizing is that it's what is done with the days where the special recognition isn't asked for, or expected, or given, that really have and continue to define the relationship with our Mother.
And that's not just the day to day days throughout the year as we both live it now. No.
That also involves the days that started the moment that that woman knew that she carried a valued life inside of her and now she was living for two souls. That's when the defining moment of the relationship and the recognition of motherhood begins, in my opinion.
I can think of many ways to tell my living mother how special she is to me. I can think of a number of actions that I could undertake, but they don't have the meaning that having a good conversation with my mother brings to both of us. And being able to still tell her that I love her and to hear her respond in the same manner. And to hear it in her voice. And to feel it across the two countries that separate us.
I could think of something to give my mother, an object that she can't even take with her when she leaves this physical dimension. And to me, that is not something that matters or is sustaining or recognizing the specialness of the mother-child relationship we all have with our parents. No matter where they are. Dead or alive.
There is something that occurs between a parent and the child that can't be spoken. There is a relating that occurs between the two that is the mutual exchanging of life from that place in the heart that only those two types of relations share.
Friends don't share it.
Siblings don't share it.
Spouses don't either.
It's unique to the parent and the child. That blood bond.
And so, with that in mind, how is one to say 'thanks' to their mother on Mother's Day?
How is one to show that the woman who bore them unto this earth is that special person that they appreciate and are forever indebted to for their existence?
It's not a return of a small favor, is it?
Now, I want my mother to know that she is a special woman in my heart. And that through these words I am doing my best to express what is in that part of my heart that was forever forsaken to her when I was born.
I know that my mother did the very best that she could when I was growing up. Now, I can look back upon those times, some of them tumultuous, and stand and judge and criticize what decisions she made and actions she took as my mother, and, at times against me. But I can't and chose many years ago to no longer stand in judgment of the actions that my mother took.
We all know that sometimes being in relationship with our mother is not the best time of our upbringing. It can be outright painful for some. But, nevertheless, it's something that defines who we are and contributes to who we are now. For better or for worse.
How can one summarize what one's mother did, the sacrifices that she made and the life that she gave up to allow us to grow and to flourish into adulthood to hopefully return the favor by enabling her to become a grandmother, and great-grandmother?
How does one say thank you to the person who gave so much, starting nine months before we came out of her?
How do we say we forever remember that the days she has spent teaching us right from wrong, and cooking for us, and bringing us medicine when we were sick, and feeding us from her own breast at times, and putting our needs in front of hers when it was most difficult for her?
How do we possibly give thanks and insert all of that into the Mother's Day that the greeting cards want us to believe can be summed up on one side of a cardboard panel?
I don't think it can.
But I can do, as a son to my mother, what I can and what I believe more than summarizes what it is that I feel and think of my mother when I know she is still with me on Mother's Day. And, also gives recognition to the simple fact that I am here because she is.
I can say four words. Twice.
"Happy Mother's Day Ma."
"I love you dearly."
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 7:37 PM | Comments (0)
February 6, 2008
Question: Annoyed? Answer: Annoyance or Awareness?
Being the father of three young boys is always an opportunity for insights, especially when the boys happen to be in the thick of their young brotherly love and they are all in my company.
I recall a particularly insightful event when we were driving in my vehicle and the younger twins were in their booster seats in the back seat and their older brother was sitting next to me in the front seat, and one of the boys was making a repetitive clicking sort-of noise. Of course, I was paying attention to my driving on the Arizona freeways, but it was easy to notice that this noise being made was done intentionally, versus accidentally.
Anyway, the other two boys both said at pretty much the same time "That's annoying, stop it!", and that's when the insight struck me. That is, it became very clear to me that what was going on appeared on the surface to be about annoyance and being irritated by what was happening outside of one's Self; however, this was not the case.
The annoyance that two of the boys felt was something that was going on inside of them. And the fact of the matter was that they were making a mostly unconscious choice to let this event occuring outside of them bother them. Now, let's bring this home to each of us, as readers of this article.
You see, the boys were doing what pretty much every human being does from time to time. That is, they were allowing something outside of them to affect what was going on inside of them. And this is something that we all know all too well at times.
But, where we usually go awry, so to speak, is when we attribute how we feel inside to what is happening outside of us. That is we make something, someone, or some situation outside of us responsible for how we feel inside.
Now, I know that you are probably thinking that there is nothing wrong with that. But, let's re-question this and see if there is another way to go about dealing with matters happening outside of us.
You see, when we expect some-one or some-thing or some event outside of us to not be occurring, just the way it already is, we are giving away our ability to truly control the situation in the only way we're actually able to do so. And what is that way? We have a choice as to whether our perception of that behavior or situation changes from annoyance, to acceptance.
How does one do this? Easy. We decide to change how we react to the situation. We decide to reclaim our power and change the only thing that we truly have the power to change. Again, that would be our power to change our reaction to the event.
But, however simple this sounds, it isn't. You see, once again, we're all programmed to blame and hold to the proverbial feet of the situation to the fire that burns inside of us. That is what we've been shown throughout our life to be what works.
How many of us at one time or another, myself included, have yelled or shouted at that other person to 'stop that annoying behavior'?
"Stop it now!"
"Don't you see how annoying that is?"
"You're annoying me."
"You're so annoying."
"Stop annoying me."
"Dad/Mom, please make him/her/it stop!"
But, what happens when it doesn't stop?
We get mad.
We yell louder.
We rage.
We demand.
We threaten.
And worse. Sometimes we hit, and abuse in other physical ways.
We've all heard any version of most of the above statements. Or we've heard, most if not all, of these words coming from our own mouths at some time in the perhaps not too distant past.
Again, when we understand that we have the ability to not be annoyed by what is happening outside of us, then we can choose to have a different experience with that heretofore annoying situation.
So, how is this done?
Well, simply by staying aware of what is going on inside when the voices begin to pound on the inside of our skull. You know the ones. The voices that want one to yell out to have the event outside of one to stop.
We all know that yelling and threatening for the most part doesn't create effective change in the situation. Usually the other person will simply continue with their behavior. Why? Because they probably don't see it as annoying, but you do.
You see, there are other people who wouldn't be reacting to the event like you are. That is clear enough proof that the situation is not the problem: your reaction to the event is what is creating the problem for you.
So, you're not really asking the other person to stop behavior that everyone would necessarily agree is annoying, since it's a definition that for right now only exists inside of you. It's your definition of annoyance. So it's up to you to deal with the annoyance that you feel inside.
And, again, the way to do this is to become as aware as you can of what is happening inside of your head. The voices, the feelings, the energy. All of it.
And, what do you do with it? Pretty much nothing. Observe what goes on inside of you. Watch it. Notice what it wants you to do as the annoying event transpires outside of you.
And, do you know what will eventually happen? The action that that other person was doing most likely will stop in due time, and you'll be left with golden nuggets of insights into what inside you was causing you to react the way you do.
And, do this enough times and one day, yes, one day you will not find yourself reacting the way you do right now. You'll no longer see the action of that other person as annoying. They can go on doing what it is that they've done before, and it's a no-skin-off-my-nose situation to you. You no longer react the way you did.
The anger, the energy, the feelings that want to have you undertake a knee-jerk reaction are no longer present.
And what does this do inside of you? Well, for starters, it reduces your stress level. It brings you to a place of peace, over time. It allows you to see things inside of you that make you a more whole human being. It enables you to know that the world outside of you happens as it happens and there isn't anything you can do about it, and that's okay with you.
The rewards go on and on, but you get the picture.
You see, one day you'll find someone near you exhibiting a behavior that others find annoying, and heretofore you would've as well, but now you'll be in a space where you won't be pulled into a place of reaction to the event like those others.
And that will be a world of peace and understanding that annoyance is something that is a matter of reaction, or non-reaction in your case. And it's also a way that clouds the true beauty of the world around us, even in spite of those around us who 'won't listen' to us and 'stop that annoying behavior'.
So, I would suggest, that if this article pertains to you, that you might want to see just how clear and beautiful your world gets through diligent effort with what was shared here. And, to help you along, think how wonderful you'll feel once there is no one, no thing, no situation that annoys.
It truly will be a great experience, to experience. Trust me.
And, lastly, if this article annoyed you - you know where you might want to start working on changing what is happening inside of you. Start by seeing that annoyance is not good, it's bad for you.
Annoyed with this article? If so, watch it closely and learn.
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 8:44 PM | Comments (0)
January 20, 2008
Sticking to the Truth
Sometimes sticking with what we said we would stick with can get kind of sticky. Take anything that you had committed yourself to, or had given your word to someone that you would do it. And, so once said or stated, you were stuck with following through with your commitment. Or, at least you were in a commitment that someone else knew about and therefore knew whether you did it, or not.
Kind of hard to get out of if it’s something that you no longer want to do, or never wanted to do, or don’t want to do any longer, isn’t it? When someone else knows that you have a commitment to something you’re now held accountable, if at least figuratively. And so not following through with what it was that you said you would now puts you in a sticky situation that may take some finagling to get out of. Or some outright lying.
Isn’t it amazing sometimes to what length some people will go to in order to get out of doing something that they said they would do? You know what I mean, we’ve all been there. Something that they gave their word on or expressed that they would follow through with. But, alas, these days one’s word doesn’t mean very much anymore. Words are trite, diminished, and virtually meaningless.
And, so, when somebody does follow through with what they stated they would do, we find ourselves rather surprised, and maybe even pleased that we are in the company of a person who is keeping to their word.
A rare thing nowadays.
So, where am I going with all this? Well, just to state that when a commitment is made it’s oh-so-easy to say the words, but it’s a whole new thing to actually put those words to use and make them mean something.
Take our commitment to others, and how we value them in our relationships. We say we care for them. We say we love them. We say they mean a lot to us. We even tell those Others how significant and important they are in our life and how much we value who they are. And then we find that we are capable of being able to lie to them, mistreat them, and behave in ways that no one deserves or asks for.
How many times have you been told by someone that you are so important in their life and then a few scant months or years later you are trodden upon and taken advantage of at every turn?
How many times have you been told that you are loved by that other person, yet at the same time they are doing as much as they can to ensure that they are getting what they want, and all the while you’re not knowing what is happening ‘behind your back’?
This doesn’t just include spouses, and partners, it also includes friends and lovers. Why? Because people are people.
They say one thing, and then do another thing. Usually.
Now, I know that I may be coming across sounding jaded and soured by Life, but no, I’m not meaning to sound this way. If you search your memory and those relationships you’ve been involved with with others, you’ll too find that other people you’ve come across exhibited the behaviors I’m writing about here. And, if you truly can’t come up with any, then search for memories of events described wherein you were the instigator of such actions. Not pretty, is it?
You see, it’s not such a pretty thing to acknowledge that this is a basic fact of human nature. We commit to people, and situations and then when those situations turn sour or are no longer to our liking, we do what we can to find a way out of that now painful situation, even if it means lying to other people, or hiding actions, or blatantly making statements right to the face of that person whom we previously made the commitment which we can no longer keep for whatever reason.
Life does that to us at times. It turns, its twists, it ends up not the way we expect it to. And then we find ourselves in situations that now look different from what they began as. And yet we’re stuck in them and having to either continue in them, or find a way out. No matter what.
But, this is where the true nature of a person can shine through though. You see, we all find ourselves in situations that are not to our liking or are not turning out how we expected them to. So, either we have to change that situation, or we have to get out of it altogether.
We can do this brutally and destructively. Or we can do it with grace and regard.
We can lie and cheat, and fake our way out of it. Or we can be honest and truthful, and forthright, and ruthlessly loving if need be.
Think of the outcome of the former tactic just mentioned. Think of how the situation, the painful participation we’ve found ourselves a part of ends up through using that methodology. Lies. Deceit. Pretense. Pain. Damage. Maybe even violence.
Think of how using the latter tactic mentioned causes the situation to end up. Honesty. Truthfulness. Full knowing. Care. Concern. Regard. And, yes, sometimes pain.
But think if you’re the one having an exit thrust upon you by someone else.
Wouldn’t you rather have the person who is needing to remove themselves from your life or that situation you both know about be open and honest and upfront with you (and themselves)? After all, we’re all adults here.
So, wouldn’t you rather be the adult who gets treated like one?
And think of how you will feel if you’re the one having to exit that situation you had previously committed to or gave your word to. Wouldn’t you like to be seen as an adult who respects and treats others as the person they deserve to be treated as? That is, an honest and respected friend/lover/partner? Think how they’ll think of you, if even many years from now.
There will be a part of them that will know that they were treated with love and care and respect when that exit was thrust upon them by you. They will know that their feelings and concerns and thoughts were taken into consideration and they were treated as another human being, not a child who is unable to process the truth because they don’t have the mental faculties to do so yet.
I know that I can handle the truth and that that is how I want to be treated by those in my life, and around me. Be upfront with me. Be honest with me. No games. No lying. No cheating and finagling and squirming out of a situation like a snake.
We’re all adults here. Let’s treat each other like such and see how much better our lives will be.
I’ll bet that you’ll agree that were others to treat you in this manner that you would be much happier, and yet sad at the ending at the same time.
You see, we all need to make commitments that ultimately we can’t end up keeping. That’s a part of life, and growing up. And there are words that we say that no longer ring true for us and that we have spoken to others and they expect us to follow through with. But a simple fact of life is that these words change. Life comes at us and pulls the validity of the words and their application out of our hands at times.
And that is when Life comes up to us and says ‘deal with this’. Get out of this the best you can.
And like the proverbial rubber-meeting-the-road cliché, that is when we are able to see how strong and supportive our spine is.
Do we run from the situation in any way that we can? Or do we stand up straight and deal with it head-on, with grace, dignity, truth, and genuine full concern for the person we are subjecting to this matter.
Overall, I think as I write this article that the world itself would be a much better place to reside in, were we all capable of remembering the gist of this soapbox statement I’m making, and then put it to active use as we go about roaming through our days with those we have told ourselves we care about, and perhaps even love.
Nice thought, eh?
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 11:05 AM | Comments (0)
December 8, 2007
Responsibly Responding to Responsibility
Okay, let me preface this article by stating that I'm going to be writing about something that is dear to my heart, but at the same time will probably alienate a lot of my readers and perhaps cause them to want to take andrebest.com off of their favorites or bookmarks tab. That's okay if that is what happens.
You see, if what I write about offends you or irks you or riles you in any way, the only reason that that happens is not because of what I wrote and attempted to impart via this article and these words. No, rather it is because what I wrote, and subsequently what you read activated and energized inside of you something that resonated with what I wrote about.
And that resonation, that similarity, that mirroring was disturbing to you and you didn't like feeling that feeling inside.
And, voilà, you take me off of your 'favorites' list or 'bookmark' tab.
Think about that.
How have we all lived our lives to-date? We blame the other for how we feel, right? We hold their feet to the proverbial fire when WE are feeling something that is unpleasant or something that is considered as dark or negative energy inside of US. We say to ourselves, if only silently:
"They did that."
"They didn't do that."
"They make me feel that way."
"They did that to me."
"They made me do it."
Said differently, we don't take responsibility for what we feel inside and what we subsequently do with those internal feelings.
And that's where and when things begin to go awry within each of us who are still under this emotional blaming type of conditioning that we were raised with and had inculcated into us from birth.
You see, when someone does something that irks you or 'gets you angry', it's not what they do or did that caused this inside of you. It's not their fault, in other words.
Even if they did: cut you off in traffic on the local roadway; or cut in front of you in line at the local superstore; or not know what you wanted; or not know what you were feeling or expecting from them; or intentionally do that action to hurt you; or even accidentally forgot to pay attention to what they were saying when they mispoke those words to you.
There are thousands of examples each of us go through each day, outside of us, that fit in this category of externality. But, no matter what the specific external event involved, it all boils down to one main point vital to understanding this whole matter.
That is...
YOU are feeling what you're feeling.
YOU are going through the negative feelings that you're going through.
YOU have this morass of blackness being stirred up inside of you.
It's all in YOU.
It's NOT outside in them. Or that situation. Or that external cause.
It's in YOU.
You're the one who's vibrating with the energies that you are attempting to place outside of you, but can't get to stick with the other.
You are the one who is having all of this occur inside of you and yet you are doing your best to place the reason, the blame, for these energies and feelings that are occurring inside of you, on something or someone outside of you.
Well, this is where I get tough when I bluntly say...
"Grow up. Take responsibility for what YOU are feeling."
YOU are feeling what you are feeling.
You are feeling what you are feeling inside simply because there is a nature inside of you that has previously felt that feeling, those energies before (and they aren't comfortable energies either) and you are once again being triggered into feeling those feelings in the now.
So, what is the result of this internal event going on inside of each of us (yes, the writer too)? The result is that we do whatever we can to play a game of emotional 'tag' with someone outside of us.
"Tag, you're it. YOU'RE responsible for my feelings now. YOU'RE the one to blame for how I feel."
"I tagged you. So, you're the one who is responsible now. You caused this, so you have to do something to figure it out and make my dark feelings go away so the game can continue to be played."
"But, you can't 'tag' me back. Because, remember, the cardinal rule of the game. It's not my fault. It's now YOURS because you're IT."
I ask you: What would the world be like, what would each of our worlds, namely, the internal ones be like were each of us individually, solely, and unilaterally, to take responsibility for what we are feeling inside?
What would our days be like were we to accept complete and unconditional and total responsibility for what we are feeling inside as the crazy world revolves around our constrained emotional hearts and overly sensitive feelings?
What would each of us be like tomorrow and every day thereafter and in-between, were each of us to take full and total ownership of what we were experiencing inside?
The world happens.
Things happen.
And, yet, what if we were to take responsibility for our reaction to what happens?
Think about that.
What would happen were we to take 100 percent responsibility and total ownership for our reactions to what happens to us in Life?
Well, for starters, we would not place blame on someone, something, some entity outside of us. Rather, we'd know it's our reaction to the action that is at hand. It's our reaction to what is happening outside of us that is the rub.
It's OUR response to that event. It's OUR reaction to what we are telling ourselves about that occurrence, or that injustice, or that happening that is unfair.
It's totally OUR job to take ownership and full claiming of what we are feeling inside. Not them. Not they. Not those others. Not that. Not this.
Me.
You.
Us.
Individually.
Internally.
Fully.
Completely.
Unconditionally.
Think about that. What would your day be like were you to have to own what happens inside of you? What kind of work would you have to do if you were no longer allowed to point the finger at anything outside of you as an excuse or explanation for what is happening inside of you?
Wouldn't that be an uncomfortable situation to be in, eh?
Think of what you'd be forced to do with that energy build up inside.
Either you'd implode, or you'd be forced to deal with it in some way that would allow you to constructively and positively express the inner stirrings you are owning.
You would take responsibility for what you feel. You'd feel. Period.
You'd own what your reaction is.
You'd be able to see your part in what your reaction is in response to what the action that occurred outside of you was.
Your world would become brighter. You know why?
Because you'd finally know, one day, that because you are responsible for your reactions to Life, and no one else, that you actually have the power to create the world you have always wanted.
A world free of inner conflict, and strife, and blaming, and threatening, and hurting.
You'd be creating a world inside of you that is able to respond to the many, many events of Life that are right now perceived and unpalatable, unacceptable, and unwanted, and you'd be able to go through them without the prior response and struggle that you've heretofore accepted as the only 'response' to Life.
You'd be in a brighter place. You'd be lighter in your living with Life. You'd be the person who can really, solely, individually, and powerfully make a difference in your small world surrounding you.
And, that would make you the kind of person who is able to read something like this article and understand that there is another world out there, inside of you.
Do yourself a favor. Read this article again.
And again. And, one more time.
You'll be encouraged not only by what you read, but by what you feel inside.
You see, I've written these words, but the truthful resonance of these words INSIDE OF YOU, belongs to Truth, which is wonderfully available to us all if we're willing to do the work to allow it to speak to us, individually and internally, when these reactions to Life come up.
That's where and when the work starts. But, oh, what a lifetime reward undertaking that work continues to provide.
So, are you willing to roll up your sleeves and get to work?
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 10:32 AM | Comments (1)
July 20, 2007
Saying Yes to Saying No
Ever notice how sometimes it's so hard to not do something that you know you shouldn't be doing? Ever wonder why that is the way it is? Or, putting it another way, ever notice how you find yourself doing something that you know you don't want to do? Ever wonder why you find yourself in an outcome like that at times? Perhaps more often than not?
It's surprising at the best of times how many times we can sometimes find ourselves doing things that we would rather not do. We're all prone to this. We're all human. We all have things to do in our lives, other priorities, other matters to take care of, other people to live with and consider. In essence, we all have lives to live.
But let's detail this closer.
Think about what happens behind all the obvious reasons for doing or not doing what we want to do. Think about it. What happens inside of you when you find yourself doing something that you know you really don't want to be doing? Afterwards, you beat yourself up in some way. You berate yourself. You go on a guilt trip. Right?
Why does all this happen? Why not just not do it and be done with it?
Well, first, there's a nature inside of us that wants us to be in angst. It wants us to be in conflict with ourselves. It makes us say 'yes', when we really want to say 'no' to a situation. It wants us to be acting from a place of supposed agreement so we think that we absolutely have to do what it is that is being presented to us.
For the vast majority of us there is a part of each of us, a nature in us, that wants us to not do what we need to do to help ourselves and take care of our needs. Even a need as simple as saying 'no' to some activity that would be going against what it is that we know best serves our interest. And, then saying 'yes' to the activity or the decision that allows us to take care of ourselves, perhaps even at the expense of someone else being disappointed.
This is kind of like the paraphrasing I share here as it relates to St. Paul's statement that he found himself "doing the evil he didn't want to do, instead of the good he wanted to do."
It's not easy to give ourselves what we need. It's not easy for most to allow themselves to put their self first in their life. Most of us have to put others, and other activities, and other things ahead of our own needs and wants and desires. And this usually creates conflict, angst, and guilt for most.
You see, sometimes, many times, Life wants and asks us to say 'no' to what someone else wants. Even at the supposed expense of 'needs' of the other that heretofore were deemed unacceptable. And many times our Spirit is screaming out to us to have us listen to what it is telling us we need to feed it at a particular moment. It's just that most times we aren't listening.
You see, by being 'nice' when we would rather stay quiet, by being 'agreeable' when we'd rather not be, are examples of two types of actions, amongst many, that unbeknownst to us are slowly eating away at our Soul. And, also, are usually causing us to feel animosity and resentment towards the person or persons on the other side of the situations causing this usually habituated action in us.
It's not easy to say no. Even if it's to ourselves. It's something that we were trained to not do as children. We were trained to obey. We were trained to follow the rules, and follow the leader...usually blindly. And this is what we did as we grew up and we began to become ever more so a part of a busy and demanding society and all its needs.
But, there is a way out. However, this way is generally something that is not widely accepted, but it is something that can be widely used.
Simply put yourself first and put your needs first, when you're clear that this is an appropriate action to take and won't be actually harming anyone or anything else. We are not talking about large and immense activities here. We're talking the small stuff that impacts us and makes us whittle down our character and our own needs until there is nothing left to live from.
This is what is meant, in this aspect, by the road less travelled.
...Taking the hard way.
...Making a clear path in life.
...Going against the grain.
These all cause what appears as strife in our life. But, in the end these decisions, and then actions, are also ways for us to take care of what truly should matter most...
Our Self.
And our Spirit. We all have one.
And when we're doing only the things that our Spirit wants us to do, even things that don't appear prudent, like saying 'no', we'll find that we are much better able to live with our selves, because we're taking care of ourselves first, and in a sideways manner the needs of others via our placing ourselves first. We've all heard the saying "If you want to take care of others, take care of yourself first."
Again, all of this has to be taken with consideration of the true needs of others such as children, and those in need of genuine impacting help. And, of course, our bosses and co-workers, and other important affairs of that sort. I think you know what is being relayed here as to what type of situations this effort can be made. That is, situations where primarily only you will be aware that you stood up for your Soul by saying 'no'.
I think that many of us can find many instances during our day where we were and would be better served were we to say 'no' to that situation. Anything from saying 'no' to that next donut, to saying 'no' to that telemarketer who is asking for our time when we're truly busy, and all the way to saying 'no' when someone wants us to stand up from our chair and do something that we don't really feel comfortable doing and we know in our Heart of Hearts that saying 'no' is the right thing to do.
There are many ways in Life where one can say 'no' to an event and by doing so know that they are also saying 'yes' to what the heart and Soul want. And if you are that person appropriately saying 'no' when before you inappropriately used to say 'yes', you might find yourself pleasantly surprised how much better you feel knowing that you're honoring your Spirit.
And, since you're now not eating that next donut...can I have it? Please?
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 8:54 PM | Comments (0)
April 29, 2007
Getting Closure on Closure
Life is full of beginnings. And Endings. Sometimes the beginnings are very far spaced from the endings, but to quote that famous line out of The Matrix movie, 'everything that has a beginning, has an ending'.
And when Life offers us an ending, we have to go through the process of closure. Completion. Letting go. Ending. Why?
Well, for the most part, it's not healthy to continue to hang onto aspects of our lives that are meant to have an ending, a finish.
Experiences are brought into our life so that we may experience them and then let them go.
People are brought into our life so that we may learn what we can about ourselves, and them, and our small little worlds, and then eventually we have to let that person go. Even if by divorce, death, or dying. Closure is an inevitable result of that relationship beginning.
It doesn't matter how long, or how short the relationship is. The necessity for closure is imminent, no matter how long in the future it is necessary to occur.
Even the changing of a relationship with an other is a form of closure. No matter how long, or short that relationship was, or how shallow or deep it was. The need for the ending of the prior relating, with the burgeoning new beginning in the new relating with that other, is still a necessary component of that intertwining of lives.
Is this to say that closure and letting go is easy? Well, sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
I surmise for most people that closure is extremely hard to do in many instances. That's why there are so many books on the market about letting go of the past and letting go in general. I'm no exception to this group seeking advice in this area, at times.
Closure can be sometimes hard to do.
Why? Well, I think for most that the human mind just doesn't want to let go of the good feelings and the secure and comfortable aspects of the memories that are now sheltered away in the mind and are not desired to be lost or forgotten about.
Someone dies. Is it easy to get closure after an occurrence like that? No. Of course not. But it does take time, perhaps many years, but closure does come. Time heals all wounds.
But regardless of how the ending of the prior Life event occurs, there is an aspect of closure to, say, a relationship experience like a marriage, that is so wonderful and blissful regardless of the potentially painful processing of the ending of that relationship.
And what would that aspect be? To me, it's the sense of what is to become of this type of ending.
The ending was necessary. The finality of it was inevitable, as life usually shows us in not-so-neat ways.
But, with the closure there is always, always one thing present that we usually don't find ourselves thinking about or focusing on throughout the usual painful aspect of letting go.
And what would that be?
Well, leave it up to Life to give us a new beginning to start out with. A clean page of Life to add to our memoirs. A blank slate. Whatever term is most appropriate, Life offers it to us and makes sure that we know that it is there in front of us.
But, what some do, perhaps many, is that they refuse to see the ending that just crossed their Life path as not an opportunity to try a new path, but rather the need to hang onto the familiar, and perhaps even the unhealthy.
It is at times like this that one should personally impress upon themselves that although the ending is painful for them, painful enough to not have them let go of it easily, this does not mean that it can't be done and that they can't start anew.
Right now.
Life moves forward, no matter how much we resist. We're like little pull toys our kids sometimes want us to buy for them in toy stores. The toy is pulled along where the child goes by way of the one end of the string that is attached to it and the other end that is also held onto tightly by the child.
When closure is necessary, Life is telling us that it is time for us to realize that it is working very hard to pull us through this experience so that we can begin to see anew and see the vast new horizons in front of us to enjoy and bask in the beauty of.
Life is ever so wonderful in that regard.
First, it brings us through the sometimes painful experience that pushes us towards accepting an inevitable end. And then, it pulls us towards an impossibly beautiful new beginning that we have no idea how it is going to turn out never mind where we are going to be led through Life with this new chapter we're being pulled and guided into.
Life.
Allow closure to occur. Stop resisting Life and closure just happens. And beyond that one can easily see that Life has so much to offer us, things it can't even begin to describe to us, but it sure can show us.
If only we're willing to be pulled forward, no matter how scared we may be of the unknown and heretofore unpainted horizon in front of us and all around us.
When you're presented with a Life event proffering an opportunity for closure do your best to accept this event at the very simplest level, perhaps just with blind faith and trust. Why? Simple...
...Because once gotten through, Life is sure to offer you a new beginning that is indescribable, unimaginable, unbeatable, and above all...unexpected.
And, oh, won't THAT be the wonder of wonders to go through. Eh?
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 8:41 PM | Comments (1)
December 18, 2006
Relationship Advice: Go Deep
Have you ever paid particular attention, usually retrospectively, to the usually at first hidden fact that the inside of a person is not in sync with how they look on the outside? Sounds pretty basic, but it isn't.
I'm reminded of the movie 'Shallow Hal' wherein the main character is put under a mental trance by the real Anthony Robbins (the internationally famous motivational guru). This character, Hal, is led to only see the inner 'person' and to have this inner person manifest itself as an external image of the person, to him and no one else.
Hal ends up seeing people who are not particularly physically attractive become incredibly attractive and the opposite occurs as well.
That is, people quite physically attractive by societal standards, i.e. fit, slim, big breasted and large muscled are incredibly ugly in his view of them. It's only when he gets woken up out of the trance that he sees people as they truly physically are.
Anyway, this is actually how life is. Seriously.
Now, none of us are able to experience the wonderful trance that Hal lived with. We only see the physical outside if we don't get to know the person better or see him/her in action. But it's this unfortunate limited waking vision of people that usually gets one in trouble.
Have you ever found yourself in relationship with another person or people, whether that be intimate relating or just Platonic and friendly-like relating and before you knew it, you were in deep in that relationship...and it was only then that you began to see the real interior of that person...and then you found yourself wondering just how it is that you got yourself into this type of mess? Again.
What kind of mess? Easy...
"That person I met, and or had sex with, is no longer that nice of a person in my eyes."
"That person, that friend of mine, just hurt me with that action."
"That spouse of mine just betrayed me. And the trust I had in him/her."
How could this happen?
Easy I say.
We're not allowing ourselves to see that everyone does a magnificent job of keeping the real person inside of us at bay for the longest time that we are able to muster.
Call it what you want...
Pretense.
Manipulation.
Diversion.
Programming.
The actions and reasons all end up with the same end relationship result. That is, we don't get to see - at least initially - who the person really is. We only see, for the most part, what our eyes and limited mental and emotional perceptions allowed us to individually see.
"What can she see in him?"
"She's not my type, that's for sure."
"Can you believe they're together?"
"They seem so different..."
The list of actual observations by those not caught up in the limited view of the people inside the relationship goes on and on.
But for those IN the relationship they're, for all intents and purposes, blind to reality. At least everything below skin-deep.
People, you and I, can be very tricky when it comes to hiding who we really are. We're so adept at hiding behind that extremely thick veil we've built up over the decades we've existed.
Why? Well, the reasons for doing this are numerous. But I believe the main one is so that we get our own narcissistic needs met, at almost whatever cost outside of us.
We want what we want and nothing is going to get in our way. So we begin relationships that will help us get what we want.
And any relationship that gets in the way of satisfying this desire, be it sexual, romantic, physical, emotional, or otherwise -- watch out!
So, the shoulder of burden is on each of us when things don't turn out the way we originally expected. Even if that original expectation was decades ago.
The failure of marriages comes to mind. With my own notch on my Life belt when it comes to this I have my own biased understanding as to why things fail in this regard.
Most of it is in keeping with what I'm writing about here.
That is, two people meet and enter into a relationship with differing and narcissistic expectations of the other. And over time, when these expectations are not met because the other person was truly not able to meet those original needs, once the pretense was removed, the relationship is sent asunder with this realization.
I think that when two people end up in a supposed lifelong commit via a relationship or marriage that over time both people either 'grow' together, or they grow apart.
It's an inevitable fact of nature. One person, for example, finds out over time and aging that their spirit needs nurturing and healing. And the other person is only concerned about their aging and what's happening to their body and meeting the body's physical needs, and this person goes on aging with absolutely no concern to growing the spirit and nourishing it so that Life can become bigger for both.
Will two people in a type of relationship described above be able to flourish together? No.
Will two people who at one time saw so much potential together continue to share that common vision as Life progresses them both to their ends? No, of course not.
In relationships, one can address what is underneath the pretense, or one can choose not to. Simple.
But regardless of how one chooses to deal with these types of instances with others in their lives is how one is defining what is important to them. It is also a reflection of how 'deep' that person is inside.
I'll explain, hopefully more succinctly.
When a person is in relation with another person and that person mostly or solely focuses on simple outer attributes of the other person, they are setting themselves up for failure in that relationship without even knowing it.
Those of us old enough to know better have most likely gotten into intimate relationship with someone else we were initially very visually attracted to. For our own reasons, we found that other person attractive, usually only physically at first. And for many that is where the attraction is focussed and usually stays at the beginning of a relationship.
But we have all most likely experienced that this type of relationship is doomed from this unfortunate start, because of the way in which it was started.
That is, the exterior qualities of the other person mostly were all that was focussed on, and once that 'glue' was no longer able to sustain the relationship, it was most likely found that there was not much beneath that quality exterior of the other that was sustainably attractive.
And so the relationship broke up. You both went your separate ways.
I agree, physical attractiveness is important. It's important to me still. But I'm realizing that there is so much more that really makes a relationship quality and able to withstand the trials of Life over time.
And all that is what is beneath the surface of the people in that relationship.
A relationship is only as solid as when it is able to traverse into and through the troublesome times of life for those two people together.
And good looks alone aren't going to be able to allow that to happen.
A relationship needs so much more to make it work and last. And I've realized that when one focuses on the exterior only they are setting themselves up for failure. Yet, focussing primarily on the interior from the start allows one a good chance of having in that relationship the common and shared qualities that will allow that relationship to flourish in the 'good' times and weather the 'bad' times, assuming that both people shared common inner qualities to start with.
There is so much more to write about on this subject, so do look for more from me.
Relationships. Who really has them figured out? I don't. But I know more so every day what doesn't work.
And doesn't that bring one closer to knowing what does?
I like to think so.
Written by Andre Best
President, Ultimate Results, Inc.
http://www.andrebest.com
'Learn About Life From Another Perspective'
(Author's permission is granted to share this full article with others. Just leave the signature line intact, please.)
Posted by Andre Best at 6:27 PM | Comments (0)